NoWo's Reviews
Jackie is not even tlying
Low budget is one (forgivable) thing, but low effort is another. Especially when compounded with low budget.
I'm a fan of Chan, I tend to think every little thing he does is magic, but on this one, just call the police.
This movie has nothing to do with the City Hunter franchise, it's just a generic Chan flick paid for by product placement. It even manages to make Wang look plain, a feat in itself. On the other hand, it also shows Daniels never was an actor. Discount proto-Adkins. But I'm just Brit-bashing.
Ah well, a few good ideas, the Bruce Lee scene is uninspired, the Street Fighter scene is bad, movie's lousy, nuff said.
Created: 07-23-2025
Should have been better
Having watched the French and Japanese movies back-to-back, well, what to say. The Japanese film is more faithful, the French more fun.
Suzuki is an up-and-coming actor over there, deservedly so. Also a perfect Ryo: handsome, a natural in actions scenes, and obviously the correct ethnical background.
Morita is a good actress, generally, but fails to fill her character's shoes. More of a casting failure, I guess; Kaori is supposed to be an epitome of tomboyish charm, and well, that's really not easy to pull off.
This movie leans more into the serious, gravitas side of City Hunter. Which is a risky proposition. No giant hammer (sort of), no slow-flying crows.
Also, there's a fun cultural clash, where the French movie is more overtly sexual in a, well, sexual way, whereas the Japanese 'mokkori' (think Wayne World's 'schwing') is a lot tamer in many ways. And again, plays to the deeper, tragic part of the character. In its limited fashion.
The script is straight-up thriller, and nobody does cool OP MC quite like the Japanese. Think Snipes' Blade, but palette-switched. It does help the rather anemic plot.
The final product is not bad by any means, but I did prefer the French cretinous romp.
Created: 07-23-2025
More respectful than accurate, surprisingly good
Although adapted from a Japanese manga, this is a French movie. Because City Hunter had such a tremendous success there way back when, that they made a movie. And changed the character's name. But to something American-sounding. Not French. Because. Just because. Don't ask. Still, it takes place in France, probably Paris. Because budget, obviously.
They did change the characters a little. Manga Saeba is a bit like Spiderman, he hides his pathos under a carefree appearance. It's comic/manga, it's not that deep, but still. Movie Larson is more of a moron. With a twist. They kept the overtly sexual humour, same as the manga; the opening scene is a good example. By the way, although played for comedy, there's a healthy amount of nudity is this, enough to warrant an R rating in the States, I would say. Totes swell in Europe.
Neither Lacheau nor Fontan look like their alter egos. They're both competent albeit average actors, but make a point to play their characters very straight, which does work. They're both straight men to the script's clowning.
Said clowning is on par with the manga: gags are predictable, often puerile, but still funny if you're into this, which I'll admit I am. It borrows from Jerry Lewis, ZAZ, among others. There's a definite skew in the humour, though; one could argue to a French touch, but definitely cultural drift. Eg the shrink or hostage scenes. A few (probably) very specific references went over my head, though.
I will also credit both actors for their laudable efforts in the action scenes. It's rather obvious neither come from a martial background, but some clever editing and a lot of personal effort are enough yield some pretty good fights. The final showdown is actually rather impressive.
Pet peeve: no trigger discipline. Then again, they're French, so, more of a food culture.
Nothing woke. Homosexual romance is played for fun, as the worst thing that can happen to Saeba. No girlboss. It's true to the manga.
All in all, this is very niche, probably a boring 20% for most people, but if you're into self-aware stupidity, go for it.
Created: 07-22-2025
Smashing movie, mismatch of stolen parts
The character is not Howard's Conan. Conan is strong, but also strong-willed. Cunning. Opportunistic. Free. Primal. Unfettered by civilization.
This version is captured as a child, enslaved and taught in arenas.
The product of higher combat education. The antithesis of Howard's character. Funny tidbit, Stone worked on this script; one can hear the Viet-Nam influence. So ya think you're gonna live forever?
Schwarzenegger was not an actor at the time, even less so a leading man. Yeah, he improved, but he was 'just' a strongman with tons of confidence. I mean, they had to redo the script to minimize his talking parts.
Bergman was not an actress, she was a chorus line dancer; maybe that's where she developed her fantastic physicality. Lopez, well, he was a surfing champion, and a friend of Milius.
Said Milius had the intelligence to mix his newcomers with seasoned actors, chief among them Jones and Von Sydow. Mako, also. The seasoning that sells the meat.
The secret ingredient is the score, though - with all due respect to Mr Jones -.Granted, Poledouris was heavily 'inspired' by Prokofiev. He was in a bind, and the result is amazing, so I deem his sin redeemed.
The score blows an epic wind throughout the movie. The first 20 minutes with barely a word spoken, and finally: "Conan, what is best in life?". Genius. Milius used this scene to sell the producers on the movie.
He never got anywhere close to that again. But he fought pretty hard to make this movie the way it is, so that's praise well deserved.
As a Conan movie, this is mostly a miss. As Heroic Fantasy, it's the dog's bollocks.
Created: 07-15-2025
Accurate and disapointing
They could have pilfered more of the fantastic Busiek run of Conan in the early 00s. They should have, really. The movie is acceptably well shot despite a drab colour palette - think Conan Exiles deserts -, but dragged down by an unclear script.
Also, the acting is tepid at best.
Momoa does a great job; he's in his 30s at the time, and wants a career. He doesn't want to end up pastiching himself in a stupid videogame movie. Seriously, he's physical, charismatic, novel- and comic-accurate, and works his arse off to carry the whole thing.
Howard (the kid actor) actually does alright. So does Anozie. He's over the top, pushing very hard into the Nigerian accent (he's a Londoner), but he meshes well with Momoa.
Taghmaoui has a long history of outstanding acting, but sadly a paltry career to show for it.
Nichols is cute as a button - that's an understatement -, but at her limits as an actress. McGowan is perfect as basically a violent psychopath, but her character is off rhythm most of the time; I blame the script, but the result is a miss for me.
Perlman is atrocious; he's mostly reprising his Quest For Fire performance. He dies, but after leaving a bad first impression. Lang is a weak actor with a strong physique. Never seen Avatar, but he was equally awful in House of David (how he got in there is a mystery).
Action scenes are good, mostly relying on Momoa. Well, it would be stupid not to.
The movie manages to score a woke point, because white man means bad and vice versa. Not forced diversity, the world of original Conan is a patchwork of real History, but damn German director, and their industrial-grade white man guilt.
The biggest problem is obviously the Milius, 1982 movie. It has many issues, but it is bloody epic, especially the opening.
This iteration is aggressively tepid, and suffers hugely from the comparison. It breathes but never roars. It never sounds its barbaric yawp over the rooftops of anything.
One more missed opportunity in a long string for Momoa.
Created: 07-15-2025
And you thought Conan the Destroyer was bad...
Badly written, badly shot - I don't remember a good movie by Fleischer -, badly edited. This looks like a knockoff Hercules/Xena crossover by Temu's Sim Roimi. And lower budget SFX.
With worse fight scenes. Bloody crap, nobody in this movie has any experience with a sword. Except maybe the kid. He kicks like TKD.
Schwarzenegger plays Kalidor, because the rights to Conan were too expensive, and is probably the only actor in this. Limited screen time, though, cause budget I guess.
Nielsen debuts in this movie. She's one tall bird and easy to look at, but she can't act a dog's fart. And every scene with Arnolt is a duel of akksents. Her physique does not make up for her lack of skill: she barely looks fit, and moves like a monkey with arthritis. The She-Devil with a Club Foot. Her stunt/action double is so obviously a man, it's painful.
Bergman was a fantastic Valeria in the first Conan, but she acts barely better than Nielsen. Same for Thorsen. Or Smith. Except for being a smashing Valeria, obviously.
A piece of 80s anti-feminism: Sonja "hates men", but fails to be strong and independent.
A par for the course movie: the first Conan was a fluke, the franchise has been consistently abused in cinema.
Oh well, the upcoming Red Sonja is shaping up to be even worse.
Created: 07-13-2025
Escape From The Evil Dead Into the Fog Of Dawn
Rodriguez directs as usual: frantic, balls to the wall, no apology rowdy fun. Cartoonish, really, from the guy who had both the balls and the talent to adapt Sin City.
He proposes here a luxurious B-movie, gloriously shot with (then) modern means, and oodles of know-how.
There's a scratch-free version on the other DVD; as much a I find guitar relicing ridiculous, this movie without the artificial analogue artifacts looks to me about as legit as a clean 4x4.
McGowan I knew only from her (atrocious) participation in Conan (the new one, not the good one). She works pretty well in her jaded character. Or she was already wilting inside. From what little I know, she got the short end of the stick, big time.
Willis never was a serious actor. Good, but always tongue-in-cheek. He fits right in. And, OK, he's done some drama also. He's just likable. Despite all the shite he's spewed recently.
Biehn is good as usual. Spoiler, he dies, as usual. (Freddy) Rodriguez I found lackluster.
Fahey is hardly recognizable; Savini is there, because Rodriguez. Ditto for Parks. Ferguson and Shelton play mostly eye-candy. Shelton was quite good albeit incommensurately less hot in Matlock, 30 years later.
This won't win any awards because it's not that kind of movie. But I sure had a good time.
Created: 07-13-2025
Very lopsided, much too long.
4 parts, 4 directors, not all of equal worth, unfortunately.
The first act is weak and juvenile; the second barely better. But it gets good with Rodriguez and Tarantino.
Tarantino's piece is pretty experimental, honestly, but it works.
The whole piece is reminescent of Italian or French cinema of the 70s, complete with the gross over-acting and the uncertain pacing.
It works for Banderas and Tarantino, a lot less for Roth and the other actors/actresses. Possibly because his act is a lot more cartoonish.
Speaking of actresses, it may be nostalgia talking, but leading ladies of the 90s were a lot more lady-like. Be it Beals, Tomita, Golino, Tomei, or even Madonna (it's an old movie), they look a lot better than current-day actresses. Or simply more feminine. Well, not Tomei, it's the role, not her. But her deadpan is just brilliant. Griffin was ugly early on; she's in her 30s there, already look into her 60s. Talk about precocious. Still trying to learn comedy, though. Or acting.
This movie is basically Rodriguez-Tarantino double feature, feel free to skip the first 40 minutes or so. This then makes an average 1 hour movie.
Created: 07-12-2025
James Bond as The Prisoner?
Connery's character is an enigma. And a British top spy. So, maybe.
Connery. Harris. Cage. Morse. Biehn. And they're all in top shape. Star-studded cast. The movie has room for more character development, especially Harris, but hey, plenty already, and it's already over 2 hours.
Bay from back before he jumped the shark. The music video origins show in the frantic camera work, but it fits the movie. Also, explosions. Huge. Lots.
Zimmer doing what he does right.
A smashing action flick. Enough testosterone to turn the frogs back straight.
Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!
Created: 07-10-2025
It's a predictable kind of magic.
Cage works well as an oblivious, too intense wizard. Molina is a fantastic villain, as usual, suave and utterly psychopathic. Kebbel is fittingly fabulous, and plays well off Molina.
Baruchel does an OK job in very predictable interpretation of the Hero's Journey. It's hard not to hear Hiccup, though. Kids are fans of his. Voice.
Palmer was picked for being disarmingly charming and devastatingly attractive. She succeeds on both fronts. But her role is not that deep either.
The usage of magic is actually pretty creative and entertaining, making up for a pretty unsurprising script.
Disney violence, no blood, no gore, although implied deaths.
A good movie to watch with the younger ones.
Created: 07-09-2025
