NoWo's Reviews
Smashing movie, mismatch of stolen parts
The character is not Howard's Conan. Conan is strong, but also strong-willed. Cunning. Opportunistic. Free. Primal. Unfettered by civilization.
This version is captured as a child, enslaved and taught in arenas.
The product of higher combat education. The antithesis of Howard's character. Funny tidbit, Stone worked on this script; one can hear the Viet-Nam influence. So ya think you're gonna live forever?
Schwarzenegger was not an actor at the time, even less so a leading man. Yeah, he improved, but he was 'just' a strongman with tons of confidence. I mean, they had to redo the script to minimize his talking parts.
Bergman was not an actress, she was a chorus line dancer; maybe that's where she developed her fantastic physicality. Lopez, well, he was a surfing champion, and a friend of Milius.
Said Milius had the intelligence to mix his newcomers with seasoned actors, chief among them Jones and Von Sydow. Mako, also. The seasoning that sells the meat.
The secret ingredient is the score, though - with all due respect to Mr Jones -.Granted, Poledouris was heavily 'inspired' by Prokofiev. He was in a bind, and the result is amazing, so I deem his sin redeemed.
The score blows an epic wind throughout the movie. The first 20 minutes with barely a word spoken, and finally: "Conan, what is best in life?". Genius. Milius used this scene to sell the producers on the movie.
He never got anywhere close to that again. But he fought pretty hard to make this movie the way it is, so that's praise well deserved.
As a Conan movie, this is mostly a miss. As Heroic Fantasy, it's the dog's bollocks.
Created: 07-15-2025
Accurate and disapointing
They could have pilfered more of the fantastic Busiek run of Conan in the early 00s. They should have, really. The movie is acceptably well shot despite a drab colour palette - think Conan Exiles deserts -, but dragged down by an unclear script.
Also, the acting is tepid at best.
Momoa does a great job; he's in his 30s at the time, and wants a career. He doesn't want to end up pastiching himself in a stupid videogame movie. Seriously, he's physical, charismatic, novel- and comic-accurate, and works his arse off to carry the whole thing.
Howard (the kid actor) actually does alright. So does Anozie. He's over the top, pushing very hard into the Nigerian accent (he's a Londoner), but he meshes well with Momoa.
Taghmaoui has a long history of outstanding acting, but sadly a paltry career to show for it.
Nichols is cute as a button - that's an understatement -, but at her limits as an actress. McGowan is perfect as basically a violent psychopath, but her character is off rhythm most of the time; I blame the script, but the result is a miss for me.
Perlman is atrocious; he's mostly reprising his Quest For Fire performance. He dies, but after leaving a bad first impression. Lang is a weak actor with a strong physique. Never seen Avatar, but he was equally awful in House of David (how he got in there is a mystery).
Action scenes are good, mostly relying on Momoa. Well, it would be stupid not to.
The movie manages to score a woke point, because white man means bad and vice versa. Not forced diversity, the world of original Conan is a patchwork of real History, but damn German director, and their industrial-grade white man guilt.
The biggest problem is obviously the Milius, 1982 movie. It has many issues, but it is bloody epic, especially the opening.
This iteration is aggressively tepid, and suffers hugely from the comparison. It breathes but never roars. It never sounds its barbaric yawp over the rooftops of anything.
One more missed opportunity in a long string for Momoa.
Created: 07-15-2025
And you thought Conan the Destroyer was bad...
Badly written, badly shot - I don't remember a good movie by Fleischer -, badly edited. This looks like a knockoff Hercules/Xena crossover by Temu's Sim Roimi. And lower budget SFX.
With worse fight scenes. Bloody crap, nobody in this movie has any experience with a sword. Except maybe the kid. He kicks like TKD.
Schwarzenegger plays Kalidor, because the rights to Conan were too expensive, and is probably the only actor in this. Limited screen time, though, cause budget I guess.
Nielsen debuts in this movie. She's one tall bird and easy to look at, but she can't act a dog's fart. And every scene with Arnolt is a duel of akksents. Her physique does not make up for her lack of skill: she barely looks fit, and moves like a monkey with arthritis. The She-Devil with a Club Foot. Her stunt/action double is so obviously a man, it's painful.
Bergman was a fantastic Valeria in the first Conan, but she acts barely better than Nielsen. Same for Thorsen. Or Smith. Except for being a smashing Valeria, obviously.
A piece of 80s anti-feminism: Sonja "hates men", but fails to be strong and independent.
A par for the course movie: the first Conan was a fluke, the franchise has been consistently abused in cinema.
Oh well, the upcoming Red Sonja is shaping up to be even worse.
Created: 07-13-2025
Escape From The Evil Dead Into the Fog Of Dawn
Rodriguez directs as usual: frantic, balls to the wall, no apology rowdy fun. Cartoonish, really, from the guy who had both the balls and the talent to adapt Sin City.
He proposes here a luxurious B-movie, gloriously shot with (then) modern means, and oodles of know-how.
There's a scratch-free version on the other DVD; as much a I find guitar relicing ridiculous, this movie without the artificial analogue artifacts looks to me about as legit as a clean 4x4.
McGowan I knew only from her (atrocious) participation in Conan (the new one, not the good one). She works pretty well in her jaded character. Or she was already wilting inside. From what little I know, she got the short end of the stick, big time.
Willis never was a serious actor. Good, but always tongue-in-cheek. He fits right in. And, OK, he's done some drama also. He's just likable. Despite all the shite he's spewed recently.
Biehn is good as usual. Spoiler, he dies, as usual. (Freddy) Rodriguez I found lackluster.
Fahey is hardly recognizable; Savini is there, because Rodriguez. Ditto for Parks. Ferguson and Shelton play mostly eye-candy. Shelton was quite good albeit incommensurately less hot in Matlock, 30 years later.
This won't win any awards because it's not that kind of movie. But I sure had a good time.
Created: 07-13-2025
Very lopsided, much too long.
4 parts, 4 directors, not all of equal worth, unfortunately.
The first act is weak and juvenile; the second barely better. But it gets good with Rodriguez and Tarantino.
Tarantino's piece is pretty experimental, honestly, but it works.
The whole piece is reminescent of Italian or French cinema of the 70s, complete with the gross over-acting and the uncertain pacing.
It works for Banderas and Tarantino, a lot less for Roth and the other actors/actresses. Possibly because his act is a lot more cartoonish.
Speaking of actresses, it may be nostalgia talking, but leading ladies of the 90s were a lot more lady-like. Be it Beals, Tomita, Golino, Tomei, or even Madonna (it's an old movie), they look a lot better than current-day actresses. Or simply more feminine. Well, not Tomei, it's the role, not her. But her deadpan is just brilliant. Griffin was ugly early on; she's in her 30s there, already look into her 60s. Talk about precocious. Still trying to learn comedy, though. Or acting.
This movie is basically Rodriguez-Tarantino double feature, feel free to skip the first 40 minutes or so. This then makes an average 1 hour movie.
Created: 07-12-2025
James Bond as The Prisoner?
Connery's character is an enigma. And a British top spy. So, maybe.
Connery. Harris. Cage. Morse. Biehn. And they're all in top shape. Star-studded cast. The movie has room for more character development, especially Harris, but hey, plenty already, and it's already over 2 hours.
Bay from back before he jumped the shark. The music video origins show in the frantic camera work, but it fits the movie. Also, explosions. Huge. Lots.
Zimmer doing what he does right.
A smashing action flick. Enough testosterone to turn the frogs back straight.
Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!
Created: 07-10-2025
It's a predictable kind of magic.
Cage works well as an oblivious, too intense wizard. Molina is a fantastic villain, as usual, suave and utterly psychopathic. Kebbel is fittingly fabulous, and plays well off Molina.
Baruchel does an OK job in very predictable interpretation of the Hero's Journey. It's hard not to hear Hiccup, though. Kids are fans of his. Voice.
Palmer was picked for being disarmingly charming and devastatingly attractive. She succeeds on both fronts. But her role is not that deep either.
The usage of magic is actually pretty creative and entertaining, making up for a pretty unsurprising script.
Disney violence, no blood, no gore, although implied deaths.
A good movie to watch with the younger ones.
Created: 07-09-2025
Dusk. Dawn. Not Twilight.
They know how to shoot (supposing Tarantino meddled behind the camera too). Maybe an overdose of ocher tones at some point, but hey, it works.
Clooney is good in a rather undemanding role.
Tarantino writes his character into sucking tequila off Hayek's foot. That's a lot of money to indulge in his private proclivities. He does make for a very convincing psychopath. Sure hope he's acting.
To be honest, Hayek's scene is hot as sin. Well, until it's not. Being a true feminist, she hides from the male gaze behind her massive mammaries and luscious figure. And her superior acting skills. I mean, she's rather good, but she launched her career with Desperado and this. And Dogma. And Four Rooms. She's the dancing bikini TV girl. Notice a theme. Makes her later discourse Johansson-level of hypocritical.
Lewis is not at her best here. No real reproach, just, she's done better.
The rest of the cast is a bit stiff for my taste; I mean, it's not a serious movie, nobody's getting out alive.
The first half of the movie - the gangster part - is highly atmospheric. Reminiscent of Reservoir Dogs. The second half is just mindless fun. About as far from Twilight as possible while still having vampires. And a disco ball.
Weird vampires, death mariachis, crotch cannon, it has it all.
Neither Rodriguez' nor Tarantino's best, but stupidly enjoyable. Except not for kids. Or older people. Probably not most women either.
Created: 07-09-2025
Murphy's whole career behind a camera...
Written, directed, produced and fronted by Murphy. Also starring his brother and Pryor, his long-time inspiration, girlfriend Guy and friend Hall.
It doesn't get much more personnal than that.
Well, that's not all he wrote, but that's all he directed. Kept on producing, though, cause he's astute and likes making money.
And it didn't deter him from trying to grow out of the outrageous funny man image.
Which he was not completely ready to. There's still much of Axel F in his character.
If memory serves, Pryor had been diagnosed with a life-threatening condition. So, not at his best. But still very good. Foxx, Aiello, Lerner and most of the supporting cast are old grognards by the time of this movie. Pro-level performances all around.
Photography is decent for the time, so, nothing impressive, despite competent lighting and nice colour palettes. The camera work is adequate, but hardly impressive. Not every actor is Eastwood. Or Beaty, in this context.
Not only is it not woke - Murphy's always shown a 80s view on race - but it's not even PC: there are even fights involving women. Which end up as realistically expected.
This movie hesitates between film noir and Murphy comedy, and never finds a balance. Beaty's Dick Tracy the following year puts it to shame, with its assumed comic book looks all the way.
The Godfather it is not; still, it somewhat works, and makes for a pleasant watch.
I suppose it was under-rated at the time, considering Murphy was on top of the world, high expectations included.
Created: 07-07-2025
Robert Jordan Plays Revenge Porn From Dusk Till Dawn at the Cotton Club
The bluesman, not the author.
I've heard tons of good about this movie, but from the wrong people and in a very homogeneous message. So, sus.
First, the good, cause there are more uglies than at a pussy hat march.
Jordan does a fine job playing both blue oni / red oni, angel / demon, or whatever colour-coded dichotomy comes to mind. The difference between characters is subtle, let's leave it at that.
Steinfeld does what she does best: she stands there, and is convinced of her own talent. Caton might have a career. Remmick tries hard but does not quite shine. The supporting cast is solid.
The music is an obvious strong point of the movie. No comment, it's well done and well used. Would like to hear that level of effort more often.
Photography is excellent. Reminiscent of Tarantino. In a good way. It sometimes gets ambitious, to its detriment, I think. The changes in aspect ratio are somewhat interesting.
I've briefly read from 'journalists' that the movie was heavily researched. It literally opens by heavily mispronouncing _griots_ (French colonies, so "gree-yo"), and mis-characterizing the filidh, but hey, all white people look the same anyway.
The bad: it's steeped in racial stereotypes. And not the best ones. It briefly represents black Christianity, and promptly contrasts with and glorifies the proto-gangsta rap that served the black community so well until this day. /sarcasm.
On that point, be warned that many black characters talk in heavy vernacular, quite possibly ebonics. So, a creole of West Country English. Not sure if historically accurate. Note that African-American Vernacular English, as a concept, makes about as much sense as Latine-Celtic Vernacular Bantu.
Anyway, I find it hard to understand. So much so, I turned English subtitles on at some point.
Injuns, well, they hunt a vampire without any visible specialized gear, corner it into a small, isolated house, and promptly twerp off when opposed a few harsh words, letting a containable issue flare into a full catastrophe. While being so polite they might as well be Canucks.
Whites, well, here comes the ugly: they're all crackers.
The ugly: the movie is openly racist. Whites are evil. They hold the black man down. They're all MAGA (one can dream). In a bout of common Hollywood revisionism, the movie acts like the KKK / White League / Red Shirts and Jim Crow laws were a majority, and not offshoots of the Democrats. The "it wasn't _real_ communism" crowd.
"Chicago is Mississippi with tall buildings instead of plantations," they say. Sure. Chicago was also at the beginning of a, to this day, uninterrupted string of Democrat mayors. Hasn't changed since then. Go figure.
I digress, Ryan Kyle Coogler. Gaelic given names, German family name. "Cultural appropriation" much?
Then again, Michael B. Jordan. The B is Swahili, but the rest is Hebrew.
Anyway, white people as vampires. That have to be invited in. And a hive mind. Funny, that.
Especially considering the head sucker is Irish, a people that got an even shorter end of the stick than the Chinese or blacks.
I don't know what the director's political angle was, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to interpret vampirism as socialism. Hive mind, need to be voted in, then drain you and make more of themselves while destroying everything.
As an aside, I'm all for liberty in speech and freedom of association. Which incidentally also entails the freedom to not associate.
Hollywood seems hell-bent of late on establishing the concept of justifiable hatred, often racial. Given the employment and crime statistics of this particular demographic in the last, say, half century, I'm really not certain black people want to entrench that precedent.
Same goes for the strong undertone of separatism.
Again, Kügler does as he wishes, but his kind usually is the first to cry when the same wind blows the other way.
All in all, I'm not impressed with the research, historical or cultural, the imagery lacks subtlety, the social commentary is foreign to the actual world.
The movie is good, but atrociously racist. The kind born of ignorance and ideology that always leads to atrocities.
Rodriguez did it better. Heck, Murphy did it better.
Created: 07-07-2025
