NoWo's Reviews
Here we are, born to be yaaasss queens of the universe
The Old Guard is, in its own way, an attempt to spin off the Highlander mythos. It does add some interesting character building to the immortal theme. Although one should probably go to the comic for that. Most were 'simplified' (dropped) for the movie. Like most of the old guard being technologically retarded.
Rucka, the original comic book's writer, is a proud Portlander. Guy has always been something of a lefty, but I still liked some of his stuff. Mostly Queen & Country, not into super-heroes.
He did seem to come down with full-blown TDS in the last decade, and turn complete male feminist to boot. Lovable chap.
So yeah, somewhat woke, although it used to be he wasn't too overt in his writing.
The cast is ethnically diverse, as per the comic, although the opposite would be weird in context. Some race-swapping, though: incidental good guys are suddenly non-white. Dr. Menguele is suddenly female, though, go figure.
Still, what are the odds of an openly gay couple among 4 characters? Also, Rucka's not big on details: homosexuality did exist, but definitely not in its modern form, especially around the Caroline Renaissance.
The Scythians had (probably) female soldiers, but mostly in the form of mounted short bows (possible origin for the Amazons legend), not axe-wielding maniacs. Plus the axe is some sort of weird ass labrys, and not a sagaris. Why a woman of the steppes would carry a Minoan symbol of divinity is beyond me. On par with a Scottish goat-herder swinging a katana. Well, she does have a Greek name and a Norman face, so there.
Rucka's an avid practitioner of historical revisionism anyway.
Unburdened by what has been, indeed.
The movie adaptation does add wokeness. Andromache, very much hetero in the comic - basically a sex fiend - now sports a butch cut and a sapphic sub-plot. Complete with that old feminist dog whistle (bitch whistle?), of witch trials. Which killed many more men than women, but hey, victims, amirite? Also, the women in STEM one.
Theron is, by what few accounts I've seen, a revolting human being, but she does put in the work.
The rest of the cast is on par with her: no glaring shortcomings. Ejiofor is the stand-out, expectedly.
Quite a few good, albeit semi-original ideas, competently set to film, but strong female possibly homosexual boss babes, black female saviour, weak, homosexual and corrupt males, usual anti-historical talking points. It's Hollywood, baby.
Created: 07-05-2025
Could have been excellent
Hoult and Cage are brilliant - for once, Cage is not the only main character. Hoult is shaping up to be consistently good.
The movie itself is tongue-in-cheek, colourful and irreverencious.
Sadly, it's marred by girlboss syndrome - which could make sense in context - but males are uniformly bubbling incompetents. It's played for comedy, but, white blokes exclusively.
Awkeye final - Aqua fina - the female lead - seems close to developing an acting ability. Also, comedic timing. Same character, same act as in Shang-Chi.
It's wonderful that her career began before she was ready. I mean, for her, not for us. Must be her physique. Or not. I hear she's a rapper too. Hopefully, it's all I hear.
I really liked the photography. It is, as previously stated, colourful. And expressive. Far from the usual Hollywood orange and teal.
Good movie, sadly trying to trend toward the 'modern audience', which I am not part of.
Could have been excellent with a less sexist/racist script, and a better actress.
Created: 07-03-2025
Lost its spirit
Cage is fat and tired, Elba is off his pace (French? Seriously?), rest of the cast is mediocre, character parameters have radically changed, the camera work is jittery and chaotic, the colours are weird in a bad way, and everything feels cheap.
The excavator scene even feels cheap with money. Nouveau riche.
The movie trudges through the motions. Even Lambert fails to behead anybody. Head fails to guide anyone.
I was doing something else during the second half.
Created: 07-03-2025
Grindhouse Ghost Rider
Cage's weird as a blonde. Well, weirder. And he finally stole that black Mustang.
Fichtner is an absolute blast. He seriously deserves better. Heard is hot as it gets (it's an old movie), and an absolute bitch. She plays one too.
A bit heavy-handed. Milton. seriously? Low budget too, but it's part of the charm. Well, hopefully the budget was low.
And the cinematography does not compensate for it.
Well, they do get 8 shots from a six-shooter. Fanning the hammer's its own kind of magic.
All in all, not so bad.
Created: 06-30-2025
This has no right to be this good.
Well, it's mostly due to Malkovich, who steals the movie despite the paper-thin character he's been given. Buscemi does a smashing job with his own caricature of a character, though. Add Cusack's solid performance, and Cage is out of his depth in this.
Bonus short role by Chappelle.
It's an action movie. It's stupid but enthusiastic, and a pleasant watch.
Created: 06-30-2025
under-used Phillip K. Dick
Cage acts predictably weird, Biel is fascinatingly gorgeous and yet mostly devoid of presence, Moore's stiff as a board (guess she needed the money).
The script is simplified yet satisfyingly creative. I just enjoyed this one.
Created: 06-30-2025
Better than Fast & Furious
and that's sayin' somethin'.
The movie does go full Dukes of Hazzard near the end. Jumps the shark and all.
Also, what with the colour grading? Everything's some tint of orange. You know when you've been tangoed, I guess.
Apart from that, a vehicular action heist movie, with a solid ensemble cast that's almost never on screen (Cage is).
Fast-paced, predictable, rather uninspired.
If possible, I would rate it 50%, it being the most aggressively middle-of-the-road (pun intended) movie I've seen for some time.
Created: 06-30-2025
Falling Down, down under
Or Leaving Las Vegas for Australia.
One could argue this movie finds inspiration in Camus' The Stranger too. The book, not the Visconti movie.
Cage descends into madness in over-saturated hues. So, most of his career, with new colours.
Photography is excellent, Cage does what he does best, but the movie is a bit of a drag. That, or the themes treatment was too subtle for me. Or too heavy-handed, really.
This movie will probably be polarizing. I'm not sold.
Created: 06-23-2025
Sadly, the last of its still-born franchise
The plot twists are all completely predictable, which makes the over-experienced, over-competent main character look like an utter fool for not seeing coming. Because, seriously, it never occured to you?
The world-building is somewhat inconsistent, mostly because everything revolves around only one character, but it is definitely interesting, both visually and creatively.
Diesel with hair does look quite a bit like a chubby Hanks from the 90s, methinks. As an actor, he always gives me an over-compensating short man general feeling. He postures a lot. He's not bad, though. Better than mediocre, not all the way to brilliant.
Wood is excellent as expected, and Caine, is, well, deservedly a legend of British acting.
Leslie is cute as a button but this movie is a 1-seater, a Diesel-only vehicle, with two older, more experienced actors already making space for themselves.
This one really needed a sequel; it's the prototypical awkward first movie in a franchise that could find its stride.
Also, no bullshit.
Created: 06-23-2025
