All User Reviews

Social Justice Porn for NPCs: "We support the current thing"

Season 1 was all about BLM vs. Police with prominent points of bashing gender conformity and tradition. Promotion of minorities and women with the degradation of white people. The only good white guys are those who go against all the other white guys. Strongest characters are generally women (and lesbian).

Season 2 was all about illegals/undocumented. Wash-rinse-repeat with "the current thing". It's social justice porn for NPCs.

People can argue this is all Star Wars ever was, but this is 10x worse. (well, maybe not as bad as the last 3 movies)

Good, not great

It's definitely worth the time to watch. The tic on the wokeness meter is due to the typical scenario of a strong boss woman with morals going against an arrogant white dude. Actually, that's a half tic rounded up. It's tolerable. Most of the best parts of the movie are in the trailer. The swimming pool scene was classic. The final showdown against the bad guy was clever. The acting and directing are top tier.

Dystopian Future = Synonymous with Woke

Turns out, the degenerate dystopian future of all because of society devolving into wokeness with wealthy elite controlling them all and vilification of conservative organizations.
Sometimes you cannot hide the truth behind the human nature.

Wokest of Woke isn't an option?

Every single trope.

Smashing movie, mismatch of stolen parts

The character is not Howard's Conan. Conan is strong, but also strong-willed. Cunning. Opportunistic. Free. Primal. Unfettered by civilization.
This version is captured as a child, enslaved and taught in arenas.
The product of higher combat education. The antithesis of Howard's character. Funny tidbit, Stone worked on this script; one can hear the Viet-Nam influence. So ya think you're gonna live forever?

Schwarzenegger was not an actor at the time, even less so a leading man. Yeah, he improved, but he was 'just' a strongman with tons of confidence. I mean, they had to redo the script to minimize his talking parts.
Bergman was not an actress, she was a chorus line dancer; maybe that's where she developed her fantastic physicality. Lopez, well, he was a surfing champion, and a friend of Milius.

Said Milius had the intelligence to mix his newcomers with seasoned actors, chief among them Jones and Von Sydow. Mako, also. The seasoning that sells the meat.

The secret ingredient is the score, though - with all due respect to Mr Jones -.Granted, Poledouris was heavily 'inspired' by Prokofiev. He was in a bind, and the result is amazing, so I deem his sin redeemed.
The score blows an epic wind throughout the movie. The first 20 minutes with barely a word spoken, and finally: "Conan, what is best in life?". Genius. Milius used this scene to sell the producers on the movie.

He never got anywhere close to that again. But he fought pretty hard to make this movie the way it is, so that's praise well deserved.

As a Conan movie, this is mostly a miss. As Heroic Fantasy, it's the dog's bollocks.

Accurate and disapointing

They could have pilfered more of the fantastic Busiek run of Conan in the early 00s. They should have, really. The movie is acceptably well shot despite a drab colour palette - think Conan Exiles deserts -, but dragged down by an unclear script.

Also, the acting is tepid at best.
Momoa does a great job; he's in his 30s at the time, and wants a career. He doesn't want to end up pastiching himself in a stupid videogame movie. Seriously, he's physical, charismatic, novel- and comic-accurate, and works his arse off to carry the whole thing.
Howard (the kid actor) actually does alright. So does Anozie. He's over the top, pushing very hard into the Nigerian accent (he's a Londoner), but he meshes well with Momoa.
Taghmaoui has a long history of outstanding acting, but sadly a paltry career to show for it.

Nichols is cute as a button - that's an understatement -, but at her limits as an actress. McGowan is perfect as basically a violent psychopath, but her character is off rhythm most of the time; I blame the script, but the result is a miss for me.

Perlman is atrocious; he's mostly reprising his Quest For Fire performance. He dies, but after leaving a bad first impression. Lang is a weak actor with a strong physique. Never seen Avatar, but he was equally awful in House of David (how he got in there is a mystery).

Action scenes are good, mostly relying on Momoa. Well, it would be stupid not to.

The movie manages to score a woke point, because white man means bad and vice versa. Not forced diversity, the world of original Conan is a patchwork of real History, but damn German director, and their industrial-grade white man guilt.

The biggest problem is obviously the Milius, 1982 movie. It has many issues, but it is bloody epic, especially the opening.
This iteration is aggressively tepid, and suffers hugely from the comparison. It breathes but never roars. It never sounds its barbaric yawp over the rooftops of anything.

One more missed opportunity in a long string for Momoa.

Mickey 17 is just as subtle as Trump

I mean, I'm by no means a fan of the orange man, but do we need to create unfunny parody films with the absolute douche Mark Ruffalo leading the charge? Do we need a movie to tell me how to think? How about one with yet another, tooth-gapped mixed couple happy and in love? I give up. This movie is absolute Hollywood cringe at its finest.

What a terrible movie. There is some of the usual DEI casting choices and feminist characters. Every single character is unlikable and
annoying. They attempt to portray the daughter as the only 'good' character but she's really just the typical brainwashed stupid leftist.
The acting is all over the place, the story and dialog is nonsense. Despite being listed as both comedy and horror there is nothing funny
or horror about it. The VFX are about on par with a DTV 90's movie. The unicorns in particular are laugh out loud terrible every time you
see them.

Consistent with game weirdness (aka Woke)

Incest talk in the vault is consistent with the games pointing out the weirdness of life in the vaults.
"Trans" actress (born female) plays Dane in the Brotherhood of Steel and is referred to accurately as SHE (even though the actress is "nonbinary"). A biological female playing a female in the story (even if she isn't very feminine, still a SHE in the show).
Questioning of morals, values, and social norms is on par with the games as the fundamental nature of a post-apoc "society" (or lack of).
Bad guys are all white men. Good guys are all women or minorities.
Ultimately the show is a call for communist revolution and capitalism is the ultimate evil.

Angry Astrid is a real B####H

Astrid has always been a strong aggressive person, but she is now a mean, bullying, bitter, and angry at Hiccup's "entitlement".
Shoe-horning in the diverse "vikings" is super cringe and blatantly an effort to DEI the movie (even with the pathetic reasoning).
My 8 yr old wanted to go home and immediately watch the original animated, to which is definitively proclaimed "the original is so much better".

Characters were boring or outright unlikeable. Major moments were lost. Magic of the original wasn't carried. Most of which because of woke DEI priorities in various scenes.

Back half of the movie was much better than the first half (much more true to the original movie) in hopes you will forget the woke train wreck that was the first half.

So, one post says it's woke with no reason why. I really enjoyed the movie. The character, Eva Maccaro was well cast. Yeah, a little over the top, when this 125lb woman get's slammed to the ground, knocked through walls and windows, and quickly recovers. But what do you expect? It's a John Wick movie. Loved seeing Winston, Charon and John Wick.

And you thought Conan the Destroyer was bad...

Badly written, badly shot - I don't remember a good movie by Fleischer -, badly edited. This looks like a knockoff Hercules/Xena crossover by Temu's Sim Roimi. And lower budget SFX.
With worse fight scenes. Bloody crap, nobody in this movie has any experience with a sword. Except maybe the kid. He kicks like TKD.

Schwarzenegger plays Kalidor, because the rights to Conan were too expensive, and is probably the only actor in this. Limited screen time, though, cause budget I guess.
Nielsen debuts in this movie. She's one tall bird and easy to look at, but she can't act a dog's fart. And every scene with Arnolt is a duel of akksents. Her physique does not make up for her lack of skill: she barely looks fit, and moves like a monkey with arthritis. The She-Devil with a Club Foot. Her stunt/action double is so obviously a man, it's painful.


Bergman was a fantastic Valeria in the first Conan, but she acts barely better than Nielsen. Same for Thorsen. Or Smith. Except for being a smashing Valeria, obviously.


A piece of 80s anti-feminism: Sonja "hates men", but fails to be strong and independent.


A par for the course movie: the first Conan was a fluke, the franchise has been consistently abused in cinema.
Oh well, the upcoming Red Sonja is shaping up to be even worse.